I did get a question this week but it wasn’t from the Ask Griffin readers. It was from a listener of the Podcast I record weekly where I co-host along sie Wes Toma. I answered it on the air but I’m posting he question here so you can decide whether or not you want to hear the answer.

Stacy from NH writes:

Dear Griffin,

I heard you guys talking about your dieting tactics and I was curious of how you guys stay motivated to keep your will power going in your appemtps to lose weight. I find I have a lot of trouble keeping away from things when craving and compulsion sets in so I’m look for pointers on how to manage that side of things.

If you wanna hear the answer you can tune in over at Painful Addictions which despite the name has very little to do with pain or addiction but since the topic of will power came up addictions actually did come up this week.

Anyways tune in if you like. Write in with questions for me so I can keep this blog going. And I otherwise hope anyone reading isn’t writing cause they have nothing going wrong right now.

Til next time.

-Griffin

Today’s letter comes from Johnny in TN who is have a little trouble with his girlfriend. Well… actually he’s having trouble coping with the way his girlfriend ended things. He wants a little insight into getting back at her. So… let’s see what I see.

Hey Griff

No joke, she really sent me this email word for word. And this was serious.

Dear John,

im terribly sorry i had to do this through email, this will make us both a lot better off (well me anyway). this note will be the last memory you’ll ever have of me, im done with you because i can’t stand you anymore. don’t let it get you all upset inside, even though it was almost completely your fault, no doubt about it. it is because of your history of anxiety problems that keep me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.

youd be much better off finding a person that can deal with wonderful way you would always ruin a romantic moment by talking about your ex. i might miss certain things about you such as the time you well no I won’t miss anything about you.

im glad this is done and we’re going separate directions for good. i think you’ll find someone to have an unhealthy relationship based on physical attraction. and hopefully we will be incredibly far away.

Goodbye forever,
Katie

So, I’m not interested in sympathy or anything, what I really want are your best revenge ideas.
Also, please share your own stories if you wish.

I know that this whole thing was built up to be a follow up to Friday’s part one. Both letters were sent with the request for revenge tactics. I didn’t get into the meat of them both so I sort of presumed I would be giving advice for how to best enact revenge in both cases.

However not so much here. She may have been a little harsh but if you’re actually an anxiety ridden, ex-girlfriend bringing up type person then she may have just gotten sick of your panics and tired of feeling like she was second fiddle.

Last letter I talked about the benefits of revenge as a tool of guided aggression towards getting justice against someone who wronged you. You don’t want justice. You’re just looking to lash out against someone who you couldn’t hold onto. Revenge is not meant for you. You’d wield it recklessly and probably wouldn’t know when to stop.

I will not give you advice on how to seek revenge. I think she did the right thing. If she was unhappy it’s not fair of her to waste your time and keep you from dating anyone else. Or at least that’s how you should be viewing it.

So instead of a lesson about how to give revenge well, we have a more important lesson. Make sure you’ve got the right motivation for your revenge before you go for it. If you’re blood is running hot on the idea you need to wait. The reason they say revenge is a dish best served cold is because hot revenge gets runny and sloppy.

So to sum up…

• Revenge isn’t for every time you feel wronged.
• Don’t let your emotions push you around.
• That’s all I have. This was a short one.

Always remember if someone dumps you… maybe they were paying you back for being a bad significant other. Things may already be even.

So we have a pair of letters seeking revenge help. I personally support revenge. I think it’s one of the healthiest forms of anger management. It’s not driven by rage. It’s driven by fury. Rage is instant, unthinking, emotional. It’s problematic. Fury is calm, calculated and planned. Just as vicious. But without the mess and collateral damage. It’s healthier when done right. It’s looks like karma when done perfectly.

However it would be idealistically foolish to think perfection is possible. We’re gonna handle one letter today and the other on Monday. Let’s begin.

Dear AskGriffin,

I’m currently at uni and a comittiee member of a society. I met my boyfriend there and his flatmates are friends with my fellow society members. We were one big close gruop. That is until the girl flatmate started being a bitch to my boyfriend. When we confronted her she said it was stress with her family and she didn’t know why she lashed out at him.

Few months later and all the group of friends goes home for summer, it’s just me, my boyfriend and his flatmates. They all start being horrible to him but much worse than the girl alone. His best friend who lives there as well, and he’s dating the girl.

They told my boyfriend that cleaning the flat was his job yet they don’t even clean their own plates up when they get mouldy. They live like disgusting pigs and blame my boyfriend who isnt in that flat apart from to sleep.

They moved out of the flat into another in the same building, left their stuff in my boyfriends flat, told him they cancelled the lease and he has to get out in a week and that he has to clean the flat completely before he goes. They never even told him they were moving out.

They haven’t paid any of the bills they owe him either, he has paid off all his debt to them though.

Problem with this is, me and that girl share a best friend here, if we fall out the girl might try to make her choose between us. I hate it when people behaive like that and I would be quite happy to share but she will try to get her to never see me again. I live with our shared best friend and I want her to know exactly what this is like without me seeming like a bitch too.

Problem is she and her boyfriend are on the same comittiee I am, as is our joint best friend. I don’t want to let anyone down but I’m thinking of quiting the society.

What should we do?

This is an awkward situation. Unfortunately you’ve let more happen then I would’ve liked. You had a very good leverage when he still owed them money also. Anytime someone stops giving you money they’ve agreed to you need to stop giving them anything you’ve agreed to.

So let’s look at what you do have at your disposal. You still have social connections you can pressure. The important thing to remember is that people who specialize in ostracizing people like this tend to be bad at holding onto friends. I promise you she changes social circles almost annually. If you can apply even the slightest bit of pressure to their social network while keeping yourself amused you can trigger her cannibalization of those around her. It’s typically impulsive. They need the chaos. The drama. They don’t know why. It doesn’t matter though. What matters is the weakness exists and can be exploited.

Groups like this have the gossip advantage. Word travels quickly and with little credibility. It makes for magical things when applied properly.

What you’ll want to do is keep casual contact with mutual friends. You don’t want to bring her up directly. You don’t want to mention her, talk trash about her, or even imply that she has wronged you. You want to speak as if you’re trying to sound nice. Like you want to like her.

Bring up situations that will peripherally involve her. Get other people to mention her. Or mention her boyfriend being stressed out. Any chance you get mention what you’ve heard other people say about her. It doesn’t have to be true. Say imply that the boyfriend is getting annoyed by her. That other people don’t trust her. Be vague about the reasons. “Oh yeah, Barry was mumbling something about his girlfriend being really back biting towards her friends. I wasn’t really paying attention.” it’ll put the thought in the other person’s head for you. It’s like replacing a swear word with “the f word” or “the n word”. You imply the word and let them think it. If they ask you for more details, defend her. “Oh I’ve never heard her do anything like that. I don’t really know what he was talking about. I just changed the topic cause I didn’t want to get caught in the drama of it.”

What will begin to happen is people will begin subconsciously looking for bad behavior. People will begin to talk to other mutual friends about actual things they have seen. The fact that you’re defending her behavior and she’s trash talking you to people will add legitimacy to the suspicions and they will begin trying to verify whether or not she’s talking trash about them as well.

At that point she’ll begin to sense a shift in trust towards her and she will begin to repeat the behavior she showed to you and your boyfriend. In reality a process like this should take about a month before you start seeing some real activity. It will always pay off when done right. When it’s over… you look like a saint and people who judged you based on her claims will come crawling back.

I’ve used this technique successfully on four occasions. It failed me once and that’s only because the guy I was doing it too decided to escape when he felt the pressure. He still ended up having to start over but he felt it was his choice. Kinda ruined my plan.

So to sum up…

• Never give anything to people who refuse to pay you.
• People who cause drama like this tend to do it over and over.
• You can stimulate distrust and drama by casually implying it.
• People who lash out at people will always help you destroy them.
• Innocence is a perspective that can be created by kindness.

Always remember if someone turns against you… with a little recall and focus you’ll find they’ve given you everything you need to make them suffer for it.

-Griffin

So please go take a look for yourselves. Part three will be finished sometime Tuesday the 11th I expect. Enjoy.

What not to do on a first date (Part 1: Location)

What not to do on a first date (Part 2: Conversation)

-Griffin

Dear Griff,

I’ve got this friend that has really been getting on my nerves. She’s really close-minded. She can be extremely annoying and it seems that she does everything to get on my nerves. She’s really predictable and boring, so boring that I find myself irritated just talking to her. She gets angry over the silliest of things, and gets mad at me for pointing out grammar and spelling mistakes out of habit when I’m just pointing it out so she will fix it so I won’t have to look at it anymore. She’s also very hypocritical. An example of this is that she hates it when I tell her I don’t care about somthing she’s talking about, but tells me she doesn’t care all the time. Sometimes I feel the need to slap the bitch out of her.

In her defense, she has a lot on her plate and she didn’t grow up in what I would call a “loving environment”. I guess it could be irritating when I point out mistakes. I have a superiority complex when it comes to her. I guess it’s because we’re around the same age. I feel that she is lower than me when it comes to intellect and reason, but she is superior to me when it comes to creativity, beauty, personality, and art. I told her so, and she got mad at me and only focoused on the intellect part.

I know this is a giant wall of text. I’d just like to ask what’s happening. Could you help me? Is our friendship completely falling apart?

Okay first off… if you don’t know why you should get rid of this person… you need a better role model. If you don’t understand that the fact that you don’t realise that your personal fears and social insecurities are the reason why it’s never crossed your mind to get rid of this person you need a therapist.

If you break down your letter into a list of pros and cons of this persons effect on yourself you get the following collection of information.

Cons: She annoys, insults, disregards, bores and irritates you. You linger in envy of her looks and creative aspects.

Pros: She makes you feel better about yourself intellectually.

Just looking at that this whole thing sounds like a bad deal.

Though honestly… I don’t see why she’s kept you around either. No one likes the word nazi. Unless she’s writing a thesis or professional document no one cares whether or not she’s spelling properly. People may notice. People may judge a little. But if you actually care… you need a hobby.

As for her family baggage it’s pretty common that if you grow up in a hypercritical environment that you tend to not only be nit-picky yourself but also tend to be easily annoyed by other people picking at you. However if you’re smart enough to identify the pattern but too stupid to change your half of the pattern then you have no right to complain about the outcome. You know that picking at her makes her mad at you. I know that shooting at the police makes them mad at me. I tend to avoid things that I know make people mad if I don’t like them being mad. It’s pretty simple “hey doc it hurts when I do this” logic. Just sayin.

So really… this whole friendship seems pretty empty. I’m guessing you both just don’t have many other options for making new friends or you would’ve traded each other in by now. So really you either need to accept her for who she is and stop getting agitated when she acts the way you expect her to or stop talking to her and go try to meet new people. Right now the main issue is that she is who she is, you don’t like the dynamic but you don’t seem to be looking to do anything to change the equation.

So to sum up…

• Lindsay = poor risk analyzer.
• If you’re more trouble than you’re worth, you’re fired.
• Word nerds are cute. Word nazi’s are douchebags.
• Press someone’s Pissy Button and shame on you.
• Complaining when they get pissy makes you look dumb.

Always remember that if you realise there is a problem with a situation you’re involved in… 90% of the time you’re one of the main causes. This is only true because you’re the one who sees it as a problem.

-Griffin

It’s not easy to adjust to it and that’s mainly because people don’t comprehend the reality of it. People think that there are two levels of life. Option A: People who have homes or apartments and are stable secure members of society. Option B: People who pan handle at the subway, drink Listerine and sleep in recessed doorways.

Hate to break it to you but there are many other ways to survive. And today we have a letter from a woman who is setting me up to talk about just that fact.

Dear Griffin,

I don’t want to go into the details but my living situation is a growing problem. I can’t deal with the financial issues going on, I mean I’m dealing with them, but I don’t think my mind can take much more of it. It’s the cause of a lot of arguments in my house. Everyday I’m scared I’ll be kicked out.

I’ve been told to leave before, but that issue was resolved. I’m just scared, and don’t feel I can open up at to anyone close to me. I feel depressed on the inside. If I get kicked out where do I go? I know a friend, but how do I explain to a friend I’m being kicked out? I don’t want to feel like I’m imposing on someone else’s life. I don’t want to end up on the streets.

Every time something horrible happens I smile. I hate it. I know it sounds stupid. But I can’t help it. I noticed I do this all the time. Something horrible will happen and I’m smiling telling everyone else it’s going to be okay because I just don’t want to feed into the problems and increase my odds of being booted.

Can you give me any advice?

Thanks Griffin.
<3 Melissa

p.s.- I loved how you layed into the clingy guy. Glad someone is pointing out.

Well Melissa. Sounds like you’re in quite a pickle. I’m gonna break this into sections. First let me say that as much as it feels like you can’t deal with it… you can. You can because you don’t currently have another choice. The human ability to cope is one of the most expansive capacities we posses. The less thought you waste on trying to measure how much you’ve put up with and how much more you can take the more time you can spend gaining leverage in your situation.

Now that we’ve covered that, there are the obvious depressing concepts of homelessness like shelters, soup kitchens, sleeping in parks and begging for change. Those shouldn’t be your back up. Those are really there for people who either are opportunistic users are incapable of taking care of themselves. There are plenty of options before you hit that point. Relying on those aspects puts you at an unnecessary risk both safety wise and towards losing the ability to recover. So let’s look at ways to avoid dropping to that level.

1. Cities are your friend.
I know that sounds illogical but it’s really not. Being isolated seems like the natural safe path but really it just puts you at a higher risk of incident when someone does happen across you. So the higher an area of population the easier it is to blend in with the crowd. The more eyes are in an area the less likely douchbags are to act their part. Just don’t get too trusting of anyone offering to help and you’re pretty solid.

2. Feeding yourself.
Food stamps never hurt. Being homeless means you’re pretty much guaranteed to qualify. That by itself can take a lot of the edge off. Pan handling is a last resort. You really shouldn’t have a reason to go that route.

3. Sleeping safely.
Sleeping during the day is the way to go. You want to avoid sleeping at night when you can. Again it’s a safety issue. Nodding off in a cafe’s comfy corner seat with a notebook on your lap usually leaves you unbothered. It’ s not the best or most steady form of sleep but it’s better than a sound sleep at night on a bench or in a park where someone can sneak up on you. Also hotels are a great tool for night sleep. Show up after 11pm with a nap-sack. Talk to the front desk and tell them you’re looking for a friend. Give them a random name. When they don’t find it pretend to try to call the persona and leave a fake voicemail. Then just play stupid and confused. Ask if you can hang out in the lobby to get some work done and try them again in the morning. As long as you look presentable they won’t bug you for nodding off like in the coffee shop. If you’re living out of a car, sleeping in it can be done. To avoid conflicts and police notice you want to find a safe suburban area, find a residential section and pick a dead end to park on. Just don’t park directly in front of anyone’s house. Best option though is to have friends. Never feel bad about crashing with people. But I’ll go into that more in the “Keep in rotation” section below.

4. Cleanliness.
Stay presentable. If you’re doing it right no one should be able to tell you’re homeless by sight or scent. Showering can be tricky. Again, hotels are yours friends. Many hotels have a gym these days. Many of those have a gym shower area. Swinging by midday you can usually blend in without much hubub. Just don’t use the same hotel frequently enough to get noticed. they won’t arrest you or anything. At worst you’ll be asked to leave. Also again… friends. Most people have day jobs. If you have people who care about and trust you it’s usually not too much to ask if you can use their shower while they’re out. Especially if hey have pets you can check on.

5. Keep in rotation.
You don’t want to over stay your welcome. House sitting. Baby sitting. Pet sitting. All good ways to find places to stay without imposing. Cooking and cleaning for the people you’re staying with make sure you don’t come across as a free loader. Especially with the food stamp option you can even buy the food supplies for them so you aren’t eating their food also. But really you want to set up a cycle. Try to stay with people for no more than three or four days at a time. If you have enough friends to scatter those time lines around you can get a good two week cycle of people to stay with so you’re not putting exceptional pressure on any one house hold.

All in all there are many options for functional survival out there. I haven’t even touched on the illegal end of things. There’s small cons and grifts you can pull of pretty much anywhere. That’s a whole other issue though. The important thing is that you stay self reliant. You shouldn’t feel trapped in your living situation. I know for a fact from personal experience that you can survive for at least two years straight on these basic rules without much trouble. The second you feel like you can’t depend on yourself to sustain your day to day existence anymore… you’ll start to spin out into the person who’s drinking Listerine in the alley to dull the pain.

So to sum up…

• You can always put up with more than you think you can.
• Shelters, street sleeping and spanging is for the uncreative.
• Cities are better.
• The gub’ment can be your bitch.
• Cleanliness is next to trustworthiness.
• Relying on friends is good. Mooching of them is bad.

Always remember that no matter what anyone tells you, creativity and the ability to think around corners is always more important than holding on to your sense of material security.

-Griffin

Now… I’m all for relationship problems. They keep things interesting. I stopped expecting relationships to work a long long time again. Statistically it’s just very unlikely that you’re ever going to get it right. So I just stick to my guns enjoy the good while it’s happening and end things when they get more complicated than their worth.

I do realise I’m the anomaly. I know most people need someone to need them and they’re all willing to compromise their personalities, hopes and dreams to create the illusion of synergy. That being said… here’s our question for today.

Hey Griff,

So… this girl. Things became complicated between us about five years ago. We were good friends, we were young. I developed feelings for her and locked them away. I’ve seen people use her, abuse her, and corrupt her. I’m tired of watching it happen! I’ve let her cry on my shoulder far too many times. I don’t want to see her get hurt. I fear that’s what will happen if she continues to marry her current boyfriend.

I don’t think that he will do what’s right for her. He’s abused her, called her names and even cheated on her! I’m going to be finishing college soon. I’ve got another year to figure out where I want to go with my life but on thing is certain: I really, truly, want her to be there, with me. I want her to be in my life, on the intimate level that I never got.

I feel like I deserve a chance. I don’t know if she is the one. And you know what? I almost don’t care. I just want to be with her because I’m someone she can trust. And she knows that I’ll walk to the ends of this earth and back for whatever she needed.

I’ve been thinking of what I wanted to do with my life and I’ve wanted to help people. I’ve wanted to be a part of a cause. And that’s why I’m seriously considering enlisting into the Marine Corps. I want to be a marine because if I don’t end up with her, I feel like I’ve wasted my years chasing a whiff of smoke.

I really don’t know what to do right now. I’m hoping you can help

God Bless,
-Vinn

Sooo…. where do I even start here. There’s so many little blips that are calling out to me. First let’s start with the blanket statement. Shall we? We shall.

Vinn. Vinn, lean in close.

A little closer.

Just a little bit…. STOP WATCHING ROMANTIC COMEDIES! THEY ARE WARPING YOUR PERSPECTIVE OF REALITY!

Kay? Kay. Now let’s get into the meat of this.

The whole first paragraph you’re leaking a lot of information you don’t mean to. You’ve told me in every way but directly that you and she aren’t anything similar to close at this point. Odds are pretty good that you’ve romanticized her and your feelings are attached to some figment image you have in your mind of who you think she might be. I mean the fact that you made no mention of actually sharing your feelings for her, with her says that any connection you guys have is under false pretenses. You’re image of her is also likely to be incorrect. But let’s assume that’s not the case and continue.

You’re also implying that you’re pretty much holding a grudge against her for choosing these people who you seem to view as douchbags over you. You mention that they abuse her, use her, corrupt her. Though the only real examples you’ve given are that he’s called her names and cheated on her. Now I’m not gonna pretend that cheating on someone isn’t bad… but seriously… if those are the only two things on the list… that’s a pretty weak argument. Really the only corruption that seems to be happening is the corruption of the abstractly perfect figment you’ve assigned to her visage in your mind.

I’m also going to jump out on the ledge and presume that you never mentioned to her that he’s cheating on her. Probably because of some falsely noble concept you have about not wanting to hurt her. Which means that you’re more worried about how she views you than what’s best for her. Which really just says that your feelings for her are second fiddle to your self assigned role as the nice dependable sensitive guy she will eventually realise she loves. That’s a pretty bad approach.

The fact that you think you “deserve a chance” is laughable. Cause that’s not how these things work. Putting in the extra hours, being willing to drop everything to bend over backwards and being serving to your personal detriment may get you promoted from the mail room to a slightly higher gopher position but there is no real protocol for being promoted from friend to boyfriend.

Seriously… you need to be honest with her about your feelings. Tell her the guy is cheating on her (if you can prove it) and go from there. Right now you’re just to poor sap she uses as her emotional tampon who thinks he’s saving up enough sympathy points to buy something nice from the frequent flier shop and that’s never gonna pan out the way you want. So step up, risk her hating you and never speaking to you again. You may win her over with your brazen shift but most likely you’ll be disowned for not sticking to the script. Either way you’ll be a step up from where you are now.

Last but not least… DO NOT join the marines. You are far too weak willed to make it through. They will grind your bones to make thier bread. And that’s a sad day for everyone.

So to sum up…

• Vinny = bad version of nice guy
• Nice guys don’t all finish last. Some of them wander WAY off course.
• Lying to yourself about how close you and a person are is sad.
• One persons corruption is usually someone else’s good time.
• No one “deserves a chance” with anyone romantically.
• Honesty is the best policy. (once deception fails you)
• If you’re a love sick, squishy, wimp, don’t join the marines.

That’s pretty much all I have for you Vinny. I hope you snap out of la la land. Because really… guys like you are what ruins it for actual nice guys because your niceness has strings attached. I blame Dawson’s Creek for setting an unrealistic standard of measure. Good luck. Ta ta for now.

Always remember that really caring about someone is not just an awkward dynamic… it’s an impulsively counter intuitive tendency towards self destruction.

-Griffin

You don’t know me but I’m fixing to change that. My name is Griffin. If I was forced to classify myself I’d say I’m an illustrator who is training to be a psychologist. That’s the answer people expect. However I’ve heard friends tell other people “Griffin’s a hard guy to know.” or “You’d need to cling to a big rock to sink to the bottom of him.” So it’s probably not a good idea to pretend that listing my professional aspects are the best way to identify me.

I’ve spent my whole life seeing around corners when it comes to people and situations. I’m the guy who’s always saying “I told you so.” Not in that snotty obnoxious way though. I don’t judge people for wanting to experience and learn things on their own. However when I warn someone and I turn out to be right… I don’t feel bad reminding them they were warned before I help.

I’ve occasionally found public outlets for my advisory talents. I co-host a podcast. I write articles for other sites and blogs. I decided it’s time to try my hand at my own little slice of the blogosphere.  So… if you have something that’s been bothering you, have something that you just plain don’t understand or have an internal conflict and can’t afford the time and energy for real full time therapy… please consider my shock insights as an option.

After all it’s not every day that a cynical loner with a propensity for emotional detachment makes themselves available for Q&A. I look forward to answering your questions from the inane to the distressing.

Your comments, inquiries, concerns, or queries can be sent to grypes@gmail.com.

So to sum up…

• Me = Griffin.
• Griffin= bored and confusing.
• Bores and confusing leads to hobbies.
• Hobbies = sites like this.

Always remember that a bird in the hand is only worth more than two in the bush if it’s still alive.

-Griffin